


she doesn't let go easy

by herwhiteknight



Series: 365 Days of Sarah/Cosima [30]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Couch Cuddles, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Extended Scene, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Missing Scene, Psychological Trauma, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 16:54:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11994006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herwhiteknight/pseuds/herwhiteknight
Summary: In the aftermath, Cosima can't help but notice that Sarah's still hurting.





	she doesn't let go easy

**Author's Note:**

> Day 31 of 365.

Cosima knew something was off the second Sarah stepped out into Alison's backyard. She looked skittish, her shoulders tense and her eyes flicking back and forth like she was still expecting an attack. Cosima watched with an ache as Sarah settled down next to Helena and the boys, barely smiling as Helena handed her Orange.

“Hey,” Scott's voice shook her from her thoughts, “Earth to Cosima?”

“Hm, what?” she blinked, turning back to him.

“Were you even listening to a word I just said?” he ribbed good-naturedly, leaning into her and pushing her slightly.

“Oh... sorry Scotty,” Cosima shook her head with a slight grin, stepping back to compensate for the newly introduced movement and taking a sip of her wine. “It's just... I'm a little distracted.”

Scott's face fell slightly, glancing to the side to catch the direction of Cosima's gaze. “Yeah,” he said quietly, “I'm worried about her too.”

“She's doing everything right, you know?” Cosima said, gesturing with her glass in a wide circle, “And she's been working really hard, studying for her GED. But it's been months and... I still haven't really seen her _smile_.”

“We just need to keep being there for her,” Scott said as Delphine approached with a new glass of wine.

“It will just take more time, Cosima,” Delphine encouraged with a gentle smile, holding her hand out for Cosima's empty glass and offering her the full one.

Cosima kissed her in thanks and wrapped her free arm around her waist as she looked over Scott's shoulder at Sarah playing with her nephews, lifting Orange high up in the air. Her laugh drifted across the backyard, and if Cosima closed her eyes, she could imagine that maybe Sarah was recovering. That maybe she was actually happy.

But Cosima knew differently. She could feel it somewhere deep down that Sarah was still hurting.

“I talked to her for a moment, before everyone else came in,” Delphine squeezed her side, attempting to pull Cosima back into the conversation.

“Oh?” Cosima asked, looking up at her, searching her eyes. “What did you two talk about?”

“I wanted to apologize to her about Siobhan, to find the right words to say about everything, if perhaps I had been more aware-”

“Yikes,” muttered Scott, ducking his head when they both swivelled their heads to look at him.

“I'm sorry?” Delphine asked, her grip tightening on Cosima's elbow slightly.

“Uh, well,” he coughed awkwardly, glancing at Cosima. She tilted her head, indicating he explain. He lifted his shoulders in a shrug, “I'm sure that Sarah's feeling the same, you know? If she had paid attention more, kept a better eye out.. maybe, you know, maybe Siobhan would still be alive? So.. so like.. I don't... she probably... doesn't need to hear you.. say that.”

Cosima glanced at Delphine and Scott, and felt herself wincing to cover a small smirk. “She was just trying to help, Scott,” Cosima shrugged as Scott awkwardly edged out of the conversation, muttering something about helping Felix with the grill. “But he's.. kinda right,” Cosima took another sip before setting it down on a nearby table. “Sarah, she...,” Cosima glanced back at Sarah again as she was clearly sinking back into herself. “She's got enough of her own pain. She doesn't need yours.”

Delphine bit her lip in consideration of Cosima's words, lifting her hand to touch Cosima's cheek. “You are an incredibly caring woman, Cosima,” she murmured. Cosima covered Delphine's hand with her own, closing her eyes as Delphine continued, “But Sarah, she can look after herself, she's very strong-”

“Only because no one's there to be strong for her, Delphine!” Cosima's eyes snapped open as she took a step back out of Delphine's embrace. “She needs her family right now, after everything she's been through – and she doesn't need people piling their guilt on her either!”

“Cosima, I'm sorry, I-”

Cosima shook her head, rubbing her forehead with a sigh, “I'm sure you meant well Delphine. You're heart was in the right place. But... you couldn't tell that that kind of confession... it was exactly what she _didn't_ need?”

“I don't know her like you do,” Delphine said quietly, reaching out to Cosima again.

Cosima let her touch her, to take her by the hand as she replied, “No, I... I know that. You'll have the time to. When this is all over for her. When she's on her way to healing. For now, could you just...,” Cosima sighed again, kissing Delphine's fingers that were entangled within her own, “Give her... give _us_ the space to figure it all out?”

Delphine was quiet for a long moment. Then, “Of course. Whatever you need, cherie.”

 

 

A few hours, one and a half glasses of wine and a shared blunt later, Cosima lay on the couch, lazily playing with Delphine's fingers as she watched Alison help Helena wrangle to twins into fresh diapers after their evening bath. “I don't know how they do it, y'know,” she commented into the half-gloom of the dimly lit living room.

Delphine rubbed the thumb of her free hand along Cosima's arm, kissing her temple as she whispered, her lips sending pleasant shivers down Cosima's spine, “Do what?”

“Be a mom,” Cosima murmured, “I just... like, I couldn't even, I didn't even want to hold them, and Alison and Sarah, they're-” she paused, realizing, craning her neck to scan the room. “Hang on. Where'd she go? Did you see where Sarah went?”

“Perhaps outside?” Delphine offered, “Everyone seems to be inside, and if she would want to be alone, that would be the best choice. It's where I would go,” she finished quietly.

Cosima stood briefly before leaning over and capturing Delphine's lips in a lingering kiss. “Hold that thought for me, okay? Right now I gotta find Sarah, see how she's doing.”

“Of course. But hurry back,” Delphine called after her gently, trailing her hand down Cosima's arm as she walked away.

“Once Sarah's okay,” Cosima flashed a smile over her shoulder, and stepped out into the paper-lantern lit backyard, taking a moment to breathe deep amidst the coolness of the evening. Before spying Sarah hunched over in one of Alison's deck chairs, her wild mane of hair all but disappearing behind the back of the chair in an obvious attempt to be small.

“Mind if I chill with you?” Cosima said, approaching Sarah wide from the side, as not to spook her too badly. Sarah didn't reply other than to shrug, but her posture opened up as she glanced at Cosima, which Cosima took as a good sign.

She lit up another joint, pausing before bringing it to her lips, to marvel silently that she could do this again. Not even necessarily the _getting high_ part, but.. the simplicity of breathing. Taking air in, taking in whatever else she damn well wanted to. Air was sweet, but... well, marijuana, it was sweeter. She smirked at herself as she finally took a pull and held it in for a long moment before exhaling slowly through her nose.

“Not _another_ dragon I have t'slay,” Sarah spoke up abruptly, but as rough as her voice was, her tone was teasing. Gentle.

It was a nice change for her.

Cosima opened her mouth and blew the rest of the smoke in the rest of Sarah's direction, at which Sarah groaned and batted away the cloud. “My hero,” Cosima laughed at Sarah's disgruntled expression as she waved away the rest of the dissipating cloud.

Sarah shook her head as she tipped her beer to her mouth, draining the last few drops. Carelessly discarding the bottle onto the yard, she held out her hand for Cosima's joint. “Y'mind?” she asked, as if Cosima wouldn't stop the world for her, let alone share her joint. She needed to ease back into the whole smoking thing anyways and she had already shared one with Delphine earlier.

Cosima glanced into Sarah's eyes as their fingers touched at the pass, responding to the haunts that swam behind her gaze only with a small, warm smile. It would have to be enough. For now. Until Sarah decided to break the silence. And Cosima wasn't about to push her – hell, Cosima had enough of her own trauma that she wasn't about to deal with just yet. Best to just give her the space that she needed. That they _all_ needed.

Finally, through a haze of smoke, Sarah spoke, “I still don't know how to be a good mum.”

Cosima glanced over carefully, gauging Sarah's expression, her body language. She wasn't looking at Cosima, but her hand was extended out, offering the blunt. Cosima took it and set it aside, reaching for Sarah's now empty hand, instinctively knowing that that was what she needed.

“After all this,” Sarah continued, as Cosima rubbed her thumb along the back of Sarah's hand, “There's nothing else. I don't know what to do, I didn't take my test, I... I ran, 'cause that's what I know. I don't know how else t'live, Cos. We've been fighting so long, I...” Sarah trailed off, her eyes glassy and staring at the ground. She didn't want to see pity. She'd had enough pity her entire life and she didn't want to see it from anyone else. And especially not from Cosima.

“Sarah,” Cosima started in a gentle murmur, “Sarah, look at me,” she squeezed her hand lightly, pulling just slightly on their joined grip to pull Sarah's attention towards her. “Nobody expects you to be okay right away, it's going to take time. For all of us.”

“Not for Alison,” Sarah scoffed bitterly, and if Sarah's feelings weren't so heavy, Cosima would've chuckled. “She expects me t'just settle back into that... _house_ and jus'... be _okay_ with what I saw, Cos, I....”

Sarah's grip tightened in desperation around Cosima's hand as emotion overcame her and Cosima squeezed right back just as hard. Because she had the strength to do so now. “Alison, she.... she hasn't _seen_ what we've seen, Sarah. Sometimes I can't help but think that she doesn't understand the things we went through. Like, how can you explain some of that shit? But, like... she _does_ get it, Sarah. We're all part of the same experiment, you know? She understands. She has a different way of showing it, but... she does understand.”

Sarah's lip twisted a little as she shook her head. “Not like you,” Sarah murmured, casting her gaze to the ground for a moment before her eyes were drawn back to Cosima's, like the tide coming ashore. “Cos you... you were there. When Kendall was shot. When you were abandoned in that field until we got you. I've been thinkin' about it a lot, that night. That phone call. I can't stop thinkin' about it. Especially after... leavin' Fee's art gallery that night and....”

Cosima flinched involuntarily, pulled out of the trauma that still haunted her waking nightmares and found herself thrown into Sarah's terrors instead. And suddenly, the space between them was too much, the simple connection of their hands wasn't enough to bear the weight of Sarah's pained expression. “Sarah, can I...?” she started, gesturing vaguely over to Sarah's chair.

Sarah laughed wetly. “I think it's only meant for one, Cos,” she said, even as she kicked off her shoes and shuffled to make room.

“Don't care,” Cosima said as she sat in Sarah's chair as she had been sitting previously, draping her knees over Sarah's thighs, grimacing slightly as the arm rest dug into her back. “Uh, Sarah, could you-?”

“Yeah, yeah, 'course. I got you, geek monkey,” Sarah smirked, bracing her arm against Cosima's shoulders for a moment as she readjusted the pillow so that it provided Cosima the comfort instead.

“Thanks,” Cosima smiled, immediately disregarding the pillow in favour of leaning into Sarah's side instead. After a moment, “It's better when I can feel you.” She almost smacked herself. “Uh, I uh, I mean, like, we've been away from each other for so long, like, you've been gone, and I... uh, you know?”

Sarah just hummed, wrapping an arm around Cosima's shoulder and squeezing. She kissed her forehead to bring Cosima's stammers to a halt, keeping her lips pressed there for a long moment. Then, “It's okay, Cos,” she whispered against her dreads, “I.. I know. It's... good. To have this. To have you. That you're _here_. I don't think I would've made it this far without you.”

“You would have, Sarah,” Cosima replied quietly, “I told you that you're restless. That you survive. You would've made it this far, even if I hadn't found the cure.”

Sarah shook her head again. “Well, Cos. I'll tell you this, yeah? It's nice that I didn't have to. I'm glad you're still by my side. And I... I love you.”

Cosima sunk deeper into Sarah's warmth as she took in the weight of those words as they fell from Sarah's lips. She stretched her neck slightly to kiss her cheek in response, pulling back with a soft smile. “I love you too, Sarah. We'll figure the rest of the future out one step at a time. Together.”

“I'd like that, Cos,” Sarah leaned into her, falling silent with a gentle smile of her own. And that was the only promise Cosima needed to see.

 


End file.
